On this episode of The Combat Jack Show, the legendary rap duo EPMD sits in the booth.
Press play to find out who “Jane” really is. Press play to learn what it’s like to be in the music industry when you’re a trendsetting teenager. Press play if you fux with The Combat Jack Show featuring Dallas Penn.
This is an old post of mine from the old blog that I wrote during some shit back in 2010. Sometimes I just need that reminder …
Growing up, it wasn’t a bed of roses … I didn’t have that Beaver Cleaver type family like those think I had when they first look at me .. Been through shit most people only ever read or hear about (now let me state first-off by no means am I trying to say my life was worse than anyone elses. We all have our individual struggles). Childhood was a mess, teenagehood was worse, young adulthood was like wow… life is STILL an everyday battle.
But through it all, I remained strong. I kept my focus (although slipped up occassionally) as optimistic as one can when their back was against the wall.
One thing I do know is, when a person goes through a battle, you should be able to look around you and see your team beside you, fighting WITH you … well some really big life changing experiences I went through, when I looked around .. I saw ………. no one.
No family .. no “friends” .. no one.
At that point, my strength was born …
I had to be strong for ME. Because no one else was there.
So through-out my life, every battle I encountered I kept my head high and made sure I had my own back.
At 31 years of age, I do have support from people now, but very few. Because of my past, I keep only limited few in my circle. Trust is a big factor for me. I can count my “real” friends on one hand. And I’m perfectly fine with that.
My family, as fucked as they are, are MY family. I have let go of all the hostility and negativity and re-united my fam. I am now the backbone holding us together. I am now the one that mends the broken relations between my family and fights for unity. Same with my friends.
The point of this yammering I’m doing is this … Everyone looks at me with such high regard and envy. Always telling me how strong I am. How far I’ve come given the circumstances and how I never let anything knock me down. How they wish they were like me.
What people fail to realize is this: I AM STILL HUMAN. Yes I am strong, but I still feel pain. I am not some bionic robot made of steel with no emotions or heart.
In fact, when I do feel pain, I feel it hard .. and you know what I get from people when that happens? “Oh she’ll be fine .. she’s STRONG” .. Yes, but sometimes I need someone to talk to, someone to ask ME whats wrong? Someone to have MY back. Instead most brush it off as me just PMS’ing or being bitchy. No one ever ask’s me if I am ok.
All I’ve ever known is how to protect MYSELF, so there is a wall around me enforced with double bricks, cement, sheet metal, even a little duct tape. All I want is someone to conquer that wall and save me (per se).
I’m human. I cry. I feel pain. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be surrounded by people, yet not being able to have one of them wrap their arms around you and tell you everything is going to be ok? Or just let me TALK my problems off my head? And yet, I remain one the most loyal people you will ever meet. I’m that person that will have your back no matter what, who, when, where etc etc. A true rider. Funny thing is, I never ask anyone for shit. I’ve learned to depend on me therefore I find it hard to ask someone for help. I handle my own. And I always get nagged at for that, but they don’t see the bigger picture of WHY I don’t ask anyone for anything.
My wall has become so thick that it plays against me. I keep my emotions on lock, always keep my head high, because that is what is expected of me.
Last week I was drowning in my mind. On the verge of crying. I was talking to a friend of mine, starting to talk about how no one ever asks me if I’m ok when he turned to me and said “I know you’re ok. You’re always ok” .. I was crushed.
See my point?
Because of my hurt and my wall, it takes me a minute to open up to people, but when I do the last thing I need to hear is as if what I’m saying is not important. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to take the bandages off and show my scars to everyone watching? (although I’m doing that right now in a way typing this), only in turn to be shut down like I’m not sitting there, finally pouring my heart out?
The ONLY true, reliable thing I have that keeps me together when my soul, mind and heart is breaking is music. Always been there since day one. I can ALWAYS count on music to keep me grounded and focused.
Anyways, this is emotional to type so I’mma cut it off … all I know is this, would I change anything I been through that gave me strength? Hell no, those were all lessons and experiences I learned from. They made me who I am.
Sometimes I just wish people would remember I am human and not some Super-Hero. Although Super-Hero’s have emotions too. Think about it. If they didn’t, then they would just be Villians. I NEED A SUPERHERO.
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”—